Fantasy Metal Band Embarks On Quest to Mystical Land of Minneapolis
2016-06-29 22:06:55 GMT
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"The band, whose lyrics reference battles against reaving orcs and ridding the metal scene of poseur elves, has been training for the tour with intense sword combat and trips to Costco. “My gauntlets are polished, my blade is honed, and our steed is stocked with Nature Valley bars and baby wipes,” said frontman Steven “Jurgen Von Hammerfist” Hammelstrom, as he loaded gear into the their vehicle, affectionately dubbed “The Vankyrie.” “Our bodies, nay, our souls are prepared for this journey.”"
"The band’s bassist, Thomas Elfman—who decided to stick with his birth name—is not as confident about the prospects for tour. “We hath, uh, very few places to stay-eth along this route. I mean seriously, most of these dates are TBA. Our date in Sheboygan just says, “Wherever the winds blow.” What the fuck was Steve, I’m sorry, what was Jurgen Von whatever the fuck doing these last four months?” said Elfman. “I know he’s a magic wielder, but he’s not an actual wizard,” he continued."
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