‘That,’ I said crisply, ‘is a valuable Savonnerie rug. Port is bad for it. Moreover, there is probably a priceless Old Master cunningly concealed beneath it. Port would be very bad for that.’ He leered at me nastily, knowing that I was quite possibly telling the truth. I leered back coyly, knowing that I was telling the truth. From the shadows beyond the doorway my thug Jock was smiling his civilest smile. We were all happy to the casual eye, had there been such an eye on the premises.
— Kyril Bonfiglioli, Don't Point That Thing at Me ‎- unihorny biped
As a serious gastronome I deplore cocktails of course, but then I also deplore dishonesty, promiscuity, inebriety and many another goody. ‎- unihorny biped
‘My word, Bud,’ I said to Bud, ‘what an entrancing creature, to be sure!’ ‘Ya mean de dame wit de big knockers? Nah. In bed, they’d kinda spread out like a coupla fried eggs, king-size.’ The thought made me feel quite faint. He went on to give me a summary of his personal tastes in these matters, which I found fascinating but bizarre to a degree. ‎- unihorny biped
‘Mr. Mortdecai, I don’t wish to be impertinent, but may I ask whether you have had a wide experience of women?’ ‘Some of my best friends are women,’ I snapped, ‘though I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter to marry one of them.’ ‎- unihorny biped
It really is quite astonishing how sex affects the sexes. I mean, it usually leaves the chap tottering about and feeling like a disposable dish-rag in search of an incinerator, whereas the female half of the sketch tends to skip about uttering glad cries and exhibiting only those delightful smudges under the eyes which head-waiters would notice. Another by-product of the primal act in women is that they exhibit a frenetic desire to go shopping. ‎- unihorny biped