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» posted to April and randomquotes

"Don't get wooed because some cute guy gave you hot sauce!" #Stephisms

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"If you leave your laundry at the Laundromat, nobody is going to eat it." #Stephisms

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"If 2020 were a cologne, it would be colon." #Stephisms

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"Paypal knows I'm an NPC!" #Stephisms

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"Everybody makes stuff. It's what humans do. Some of us only make mistakes and big messes, though." #Stephisms

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» posted to April and randomquotes

"You can keep your Star Wars and bacon. I'll just sit over here with my Star Trek and Taylor Ham." #Stephisms

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"Is that a fancy term for taking a shit at work? Be right back, I'm making "business crystals!" #Stephisms

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She misheard me, when I said "bismuth crystals".

 ‎· April 2
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"I got a random beeting at the Nutley Diner. Is this a normal thing?" #Stephisms

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My daughter grew up in diners, and never experienced any diner automatically serving beets, like they serve bread. Neither have I.

 ‎· April 1
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the diners around here (btwn Balto. and DC) are like any other restaurant - a local one is owned by an Indian family (as in from the sub-continent). In Southern PA is where the beets happen.

 ‎· Christina Pikas 1
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» posted to April and randomquotes

People in Hell are total bean counters. #Stephisms

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» posted to April, randomquotes, and stitchin

"Something to cross-stitch and hang on the wall: Eat the bread or you'll get the shits!" #Stephisms

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» posted to April and randomquotes

Daughter: "Kids that are teenagers, right now, are not fucking millennials! That would be illegal." #Stephisms

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» posted to April and randomquotes

Cheetah land lobsters and flying tree crabs. The stuff alien nightmares are made from. #Stephisms

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Having another of those weird conversations with my daughter, about evolution, food, and space travel. In our species's history, someone had to be the first to eat something, not knowing for sure if it was safe to eat. People died from eating things that were unsafe, which let others know not to eat it. This knowledge was then passed down to the next generation, and the next, so that eventually, a wide variety of safe foods became a regional cuisine. If we were to find some planet that was perfect to sustain human life, with lush vegetation and animals, future humans will have an advantage over our distant ancestors when it comes to finding out if something is safe to eat. Rather than taking a bite and then waiting to see if they live or die, they can pick a fruit or vegetable, take it back to a lab and analyze it, before anyone ever takes the first bite. If we were to ever find and travel to such a planet, our biggest worries would be pathogens to which we don't have an immunity, insects, and animal life that could be more dangerous that we are used to. That's when my daughter came up with the idea of large land lobsters capable of moving as fast as a cheetah, and flying tree crabs with beetle-like wings, both hell-bent on hunting down humans as a tasty snack.

 ‎· April
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Her sound effects and pincher motions were hilarious.

 ‎· April 1
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"Dear anybody that thought I was weird. Would you like to meet my mom?" #Stephisms

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I was discussing South Dakota's sale tax rules with my daughter, and mentioned how farmers can obtain an exemption certificate, allowing them to buy animal feed and fertilizer without paying taxes on it, ensuring that consumers don't get taxed twice when they buy their food. The growers don't pay taxes, but the eaters do. And she started laughing at the mental image in her head, conjured up by the term "the eaters". She imagined a line of identical looking people, sitting at a long table, eating in unison, with rather robotic-like motions, lifting spoons to their mouths. I then took her mental image and morphed it into another one that she found to be rather creepy: An animation, containing the same line of identical looking people, only now they are faceless, extremely white, rather plastic looking, with no features other than a mouth, no hair, all dressed in gray suits with gray ties, sitting at a white table, white bowls, eating in unison, with the word CONSUME hanging over them, in big black letters, similar to the movie "They Live".She said the mental image of that reminded her of something from a Perfect Circle or Pink Floyd video. Then she stated the above quote.

 ‎· April
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In my mind, it was a bunch of these guys, with mouths:

 ‎·  businessman_figure_holding_out_custom_card_md_wm.gif ‎· April
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I just showed my daughter that image and she said, "OMG, it's The Eaters! They're real!"

 ‎· April
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"There's tiny little pretentious French people smoking in my cavities." #Stephisms

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"Dear flock of geese honking maniacally at 2 in the morning... this is why nobody likes you." #Stephisms

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"This is more delicious than running! Why would I want to go running when I could have a burrito, instead?" #Stephisms

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"He's like a paper cut, not a stab wound." #Stephisms

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"He white-peopled the chili by adding celery and carrots." #Stephisms

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Me: "Do I need to remind you that my chili has carrots in it, too?"

 ‎· April 1
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Her: "That's different, Mom. His are American carrots, not Mexican ones. And they didn't end up in the chili because they hitched a ride in a can of pickled jalapenos, imported from Mexico."

 ‎· April 1
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"News shorts...because news pants are too long." #Stephisms

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» posted to April and randomquotes

"What kind of phone does your mom have?"

"Oh, she has a Motorola Cheesesteak." #Stephisms

"What kind of phone does your mom have?"

"Oh, she has a Motorola Cheesesteak." #Stephisms

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I bought a G6, but the first time I heard this song, I thought they were saying "I'd like a cheesesteak." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4s6H4ku6ZY So, my daughter has named my new phone that.

 ‎· April
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"I can vacuum it, now that I know how vacuums work." #Stephisms #OutOfContext

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"Hi, my name is Sean Connery. May I shit on your lap?" "Uhhhhh...I don't know!" #Stephisms

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Oh, man. It took me this many decades before I heard another Scot with that sort of accent. Until just recently, I thought it was just a weirdness about how Connery chose to speak. But then I heard an ep of BBC History Magazine with a Scottish academic with that same accent.

 ‎· Spidra Webster 1
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"I will not sleep in my soup, I will not sleep in my soup..." #Stephisms

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"Stressed?Try raspberries! No, don't eat them, make therm!" #Stephisms

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PLEASE BEHOLD THE CORRECT WAY OF USING MOKUM EVERYONE. THANKS, @app103.

 ‎· псы в рапиде 11
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» posted to April and randomquotes

"You know it's good gravy when you are eating it cold, scraping every last bit of it out of the container, with your finger." #Stephisms

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